This year, rather than some tangible, throw-away item, I gave my family the gift of visiting ME! To add a little pizzaz to the potentially humdrum e-gift card, I composed the following music-less ditties and thought I’d share for posterity:

Wishing a Merry Christmas to the man I call Dad

Santa just called and he said you’ve been bad

He cancelled all parties and all presents are bared

So feel lucky I managed to sneak this gift card!

On the nice list this year (as always) is Maura

Who Santa and I and everyone adore-a

Once Christmas is done with no gifts to unravel

It’ll be time to return to your life filled with travel.

This winter take Maura to the mountains when whitest

And we’ll do active things now that you’ve fixed that arthritis!

Both you and your lady are truly the best

I’m excited to see you on a fun trip out West!


Warm holiday greetings to my brother JimBro

Whose intricate spreadsheets sort out into rows.

Merry Christmas as well to my sis-in-law Kathy

Who is smarter than I because she can teach math-y!

But I can’t tell a lie, I like your kid even better!

“A ski trip,” I heard was in his wish letter.

So use these gift cards for a trip to Colorado

Perhaps a reward when Trey uses the pott-o J

And if for some reason Trey can’t come along,

Aunt Jill will take care and teach him Beer Pong.

Hope your year is both Merry and Bright

And all of your goals are achieved without fight.

You deserve everything easy, relaxed and not stressed

Because you and your family are truly the best!!


Wishing a Merry Christmas to my sister Keekie

Whose beauty and talent will never peak-ie

The next line is serious despite this poem’s great jest

You deserve another escape with little Susie out West!

We’ll drink beer and wine and maybe egg nog

And all that we’ll miss is the world’s cutest dog

We’ll hike up and down and explore end to end

With just you and just me or with also your boyfriend!

So break in your boots so your toes do not blister

I’d love another trip with my favorite oldest sister!


Wishing a Merry Christmas to my dear sister Jill

Whose charisma and brains and good looks could kill.

With cash money flowing in your brand new career

Let’s toast to your success with a Colorado craft beer!

We could find an Avery or an Upslope in Atlanta

But “It’ll taste better in Boulder, just trust me!” says Santa.

While I always love time to spend with my sister

It would also be fun to bond with your Mister

We’ll adventure and explore as Scoop and and as Bucket

And we might just get lit and smoke weed and say, “Fuck it!”