This year, rather than some tangible, throw-away item, I gave my family the gift of visiting ME! To add a little pizzaz to the potentially humdrum e-gift card, I composed the following music-less ditties and thought I’d share for posterity:
Wishing a Merry Christmas to the man I call Dad
Santa just called and he said you’ve been bad
He cancelled all parties and all presents are bared
So feel lucky I managed to sneak this gift card!
On the nice list this year (as always) is Maura
Who Santa and I and everyone adore-a
Once Christmas is done with no gifts to unravel
It’ll be time to return to your life filled with travel.
This winter take Maura to the mountains when whitest
And we’ll do active things now that you’ve fixed that arthritis!
Both you and your lady are truly the best
I’m excited to see you on a fun trip out West!
Warm holiday greetings to my brother JimBro
Whose intricate spreadsheets sort out into rows.
Merry Christmas as well to my sis-in-law Kathy
Who is smarter than I because she can teach math-y!
But I can’t tell a lie, I like your kid even better!
“A ski trip,” I heard was in his wish letter.
So use these gift cards for a trip to Colorado
Perhaps a reward when Trey uses the pott-o J
And if for some reason Trey can’t come along,
Aunt Jill will take care and teach him Beer Pong.
Hope your year is both Merry and Bright
And all of your goals are achieved without fight.
You deserve everything easy, relaxed and not stressed
Because you and your family are truly the best!!
Wishing a Merry Christmas to my sister Keekie
Whose beauty and talent will never peak-ie
The next line is serious despite this poem’s great jest
You deserve another escape with little Susie out West!
We’ll drink beer and wine and maybe egg nog
And all that we’ll miss is the world’s cutest dog
We’ll hike up and down and explore end to end
With just you and just me or with also your boyfriend!
So break in your boots so your toes do not blister
I’d love another trip with my favorite oldest sister!
Wishing a Merry Christmas to my dear sister Jill
Whose charisma and brains and good looks could kill.
With cash money flowing in your brand new career
Let’s toast to your success with a Colorado craft beer!
We could find an Avery or an Upslope in Atlanta
But “It’ll taste better in Boulder, just trust me!” says Santa.
While I always love time to spend with my sister
It would also be fun to bond with your Mister
We’ll adventure and explore as Scoop and and as Bucket
And we might just get lit and smoke weed and say, “Fuck it!”